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Partitions Of The Mind

I keep saying that time has moved differently for me since I stopped practicing clinically. Things that happened just brief weeks ago seem to have faded much faster in my memory than before.

My waking hours and productivity have both become divorced from day and night, and even sleep has become elastic to the point that I am still now awake, turning things in my head.

It was an eventful week that we are ending today.

I received news that one of the projects, which I took great pains to draft a paper for, has been accepted with full funding and it will need to move this financial year (FY). My team is down by 3 men and yet we're still pulling equal if not more weight. The Boss is back on Monday from a business trip abroad that I hope has brought back some new insights for us. There are a series of important meetings coming up in the next few weeks that will determine the course we take for the next few years. I have been tasked to shepherd some of us through a learning journey in two weeks. I need to make alliances with three other branches of us so that we can share resources that we have never considered sharing. OMG. This is only for May and early June.

I will have a lot more to do in the next few months.

There's thankfully a special talent that all doctors develop in the course of our training. The very handy ability to partition our minds. So on the one hand I recognise that I'm palpitating away with excitement and feeling a little overwhelmed, and on the other hand, I'm perfectly outside of those feelings and understand why/how it is that I feel that way.

There are of course a few more partitions here and there, that have other parts of life, in my head. The trick is being able to use one or more at a time judiciously, without the descent into madness and disorientation. So if anyone's ever wondered how doctors can cut people while caring for them, this is the answer. We do care, but believe me, when we need to work on you, you really don't want sentiment giving us the shakes.

I need to get it coalesced....

....don't even know if I have spelt that correctly up there.

I need to draft something for work. Something that is both succint and impactful.

And it's about all the touchy stuff that the newspapers are full of right now.....right after the Budget was announced. Eldercare. Chronic disease. Bridging gaps between the hyper-acuteness of the modern hospital and the paced gentleness of community care. And the vast cavernous space between the realms of health and social issues.

Ye gods.

I'm stuck because I have the facts right in front of me to draft the thing, but I just haven't got the inspiration on how to translate all these cold stony numbers into something warm, touching, and real.

I don't really want to get shot either for writing something that won't go down well. Whatever gets spat up usually doesn't get implemented.

In the words of Darby from the My Friends Tigger & Pooh cartoons, it's time to "think, think, think!".

8 Hours In 3 Days

That's how much sleep I've had lately.

The Little Bro's working on my turf :) He's been there since Friday but I have yet to glimpse hide or hair of him. Apparently he's in culture shock. Oh well. Welcome to my world. Not everyone enjoys this pace, and not everyone can hack it.

Just today, the boss confirmed that we have some folks leaving, but also new blood coming in. We'll be the stronger for it.

Late this afternoon, I signed away 5 years of my life. Not a big loss. I am guaranteed a good job, and they'll have to put up with (putting) me (to good use).

I really SHOULD have an early night. As soon as dinner digests. Uncomfortably full right now.

More loot, in response to more 2012 developments

1. Lovely white quilted Jaime Mascaro's with navy tips and low block heels.

2. Valiserie, Chantelle, and Calvin Klein smalls.

3. The most unexpected thing. Amazingly fitted and soft and durable-looking Trussardi Jeans cardigan.

2012 is off to a fiery start. January flew by without pause, and we're knee-deep in February already. I've lost 2kg and intend to at least stay that way, although lack of sleep always tends to put fat around my middle.

From late Spring this year until at least the terminus of 2013, my world is going to be hellfire. I can't really tell you why, but work has taken a brand new twist that includes politics, backstabbing, and scheming (how very TVB!), and home life has taken on a few more complexities. I have also started a couple of personal projects.

In such times, I would do well to accept what comes, and remember the advice that Mom gave me, about life as a woman: "This is the time to run at full speed. You will have husband and children to contend with, and you will be chasing career breaks that will make you. Give it your all. It is the best time to get what  you want. You are mature enough by then, but young enough to have the energy."

Met The Boss

Met the Boss for lunch. Wanted to talk to him about careers and all that.

He's a pretty generous guy, although he has a tendency to be dramatic. He dispensed some good coaching over the lunch table.

I have more to ponder. Sigh.

Too Sheltered

Today we met someone who has been so sheltered her entire life that she really thinks that life is that simple. Never had to think too hard, never had to go beyond petty conditioned "female" whininess. The best part? She wants us to take her bad idea and own it.

GAWD.

I lost it, for the 1st time in years. I think I scared a couple of people.

You ever seen a lioness go to town on some antelope? I felt like that for about 30 minutes. Had to sit somewhere quiet and remind myself to act professional.

Completely In Disarray

I am so disturbed right now. It's so not-funny that it's actually f'g hilarious.

The Masters programme which I applied to wrote back saying that I was over-qualified to participate, and recommended that I take their higher-tiered programme instead.

I am SERIOUSLY disturbed. It's sort of like being slapped in the face in the most flattering way. I'm not sure how I feel right now.

Goddammit this is going to throw a major spanner in the works.

I had expected that getting into the programme was going to be smooth, because I had paved it as well as I could muster. This is a curveball indeed. I've overshot the mark completely.

Gosh, some days I don't know whether I'm coming or going......

Goodbye Mr. C. Sleep tight & sweet dreams.

Mr. C was one of my patients. He died this morning battling cancer.

I've had the urge to burst out crying the whole day, but I haven't even had the opportunity to wind down enough to do that.

I got the news from my friend Katie, via SMS. She was at home, nursing an expectant belly on bed-rest, when her colleague texted her the news. Mr. C had deteriorated over the weekend, and he had held out until this morning.

I read that SMS amidst a flurry of emailed thoughts - I was in the middle of a psychological battle with some of the most shameless beaurocrats in the country when the text came in. Determined fury gave way to a soft sigh of sadness as  I scrolled down.

As the Monday sun rose over a new Singaporean presidency and the eve of Eid al-Fitr, Mr. C had quietly gently given up and slipped into the night.

He was special because he was one of our first to last so long so well. He died of a cause completely unrelated to why he had become my and Katie's patient. The sadness that I felt came in part from the respect that I had for him - if only you could have seen how hard he had fought his illness, how much brightness and hope he had projected, how happy he was that we had managed to get him home with his family. The second part of my sadness came from the fact that I had not seen him before he passed on.

By the time that the news reached me, Mr. C's body had already been transported to the mortuary and his family had already telephoned for the funeral parlourmen. I carried on working silently.

In the afternoon, I had agreed to help with a pre-arranged recruitment drive, and mustered what good spirits I could to show those fresh faces that this was a great and noble place to work.

When I got home at 1900H, I had my little Bean to contend with. I was "Mommy" for the rest of the evening and night, and finally put her to bed at 2100H. Then I took a long hot shower and did some work.

It is only now that my heart has had time to catch up with my day.

You can't see me, but finally I can cry for Mr. C.

Goodbye Mr. C. You have fought as bravely as any in the field, and now, please rest in peace at last.

 

So Proud Of Our Hospital

Near-perfect JCI scores in so many areas!!!

When they announced the tentative scores, the place erupted into whoops, yells, screams, cheers. People wept. We had spent so much of us all on our patients, it was good to see it recognized.

“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.” - Ryunosuke Satoro

Submission

Just sent off my application form for the Masters programme. Gawd, it's a long one. Seven essays to write. It's actually an interview stuffed into a form.

Apprehensive. Haven't had to apply for a school since....oh....Uni? Same ol' feeling of "am I good enough"? Will have to let the heavens take it from here.

Hopefully tomorrow I can come back down to earth from my hyperventilation-induced "helium trip" and get some serious work done. Tomorrow I have been summoned by 2 different bosses to "discuss" items. Mind you, not even my bosses.

Not sure if I can sleep now. Must have guzzled about 500mL of Diet Coke doing the darn application.