I gave this advice to a friend some time ago, but thought I'd post it up anyway.
Dear D,
Understand and empathize. It was really rough for me even
though I think my helper is top notch. I was phoning home, cabbing back
during lunch etc. and my mum-in-law also popped in at all hours to
catch the helper randomly.
OK, this is going to be LONG. I will try to answer impartially, but will also include my experience below after it.
The
major question really is how comfortable you are with Baby being
cared for by someone other than family. I'm sure that this applies
whether you have a domestic helper or if he was placed in an infant
care facility.
Just remember that a lot of kids now go to
playschool etc. by 18-24 mths of age, so whatever you choose need only
apply for another year or two at the most. Factor in what I'm sure you
will have experienced by now: that motherhood really does change your
perception of time, tiredness, and life in general.
If the
answer is no, you're not comfortable with that, then there are only two
choices: you, or a family member you trust. A second question then
would be how much monetary and time cost you are willing to bear if you
do choose to stay at home (versus the gains of raising Baby
personally, and possibly one or two more siblings as you go) and pit
that against how much monetary and time cost you are willing to bear if
you have to shuttle him back and forth, possibly to different family
members' homes for designated days of the week (versus how much Baby will gain or lose in this arrangement).
If the answer
is yes, you would be comfortable with paid care, then the secondary
question is who. Judging by the fact that you've only left Baby
with the helper for 30mins or less, you don't trust her very much. The
alternative then is professional childcare centres. Are there any
accessible to your workplace? Which means that every lunch hour, you
will be able to breastfeed him etc? Of course, this is not fool-proof,
but the likelihood of abuse is probably significantly less, although Baby will have to share attention and care with many other babies
at this early stage.
It's tough to see it in such stark yes or no terms.
My
own experience was that I trusted the helper enough, because my
mum-in-law and I had very stringent criteria for hiring one. And my
backup plan was the creche that is on the fourth floor of the hospital.
I have an unfair advantage because I work in healthcare. They really do
think about it holistically, and it's great that there IS a childcare
place within the hospital itself. If I had had to put her there, I
could have seen Bean after ward rounds, between meetings, during lunch
etc.
Nevertheless I used to come home every day and do an
infant medical examination - really check Bean over - to ensure that I
didn't miss any signs of neglect or abuse (but again like I said, it's
an unfair advantage).
For the helper, we were looking for
someone for whom I would be the final employee (I think they are
allowed max five, then it's out of Singapore, like it or not) and someone who
wanted to stay in Singapore rather badly. This means that it is in her
best interests to work well, so that she doesn't get repatriated,
because there will be no further reentry possible. Also we wanted
someone who has had a child of her own, because I feel that unless the
helper has been a mother, she will never really understand what is
needed. Thirdly, we wanted someone who was progressive, who keeps
wanting to better herself. This tells me that she's not here to be
lazy, and is willing to learn (and teach Bean later on, if so needed).
The
first thing that I did with her when she arrived (I was 5 mths
pregnant) was send her for a BCLS (basic life support) course -
internationally-recognized certificate. She was very grateful coz it
ain't cheap, and there is a cert to show, but that's what I need her to
be good at. Currently she's taking 2 sundays off a mth, because she's
forking out own money for a Microsoft Office course (Excel, Access
etc.), so instead of giving her a raise this year, I gave her a laptop
(worked out about the same in $). Also during weekdays, our arrangement
is that she manages to finish up chores by the time I get home, and
I'll take Bean completely off her hands so that she can do her
coursework.
If you go with the childcare option, please visit
those places. Stay for hours if they let you. Other moms can recommend
all we want, but your own gut feel when you see it is what is going to
count. Also look into the pre- and post-hours, when they may have to
hang on to Baby if you get busier later. What happens then?
It's
tedious to go through it, but think about this: If you were a baby,
what do you need? Aside from being fed well with the right food, being
hydrated, sleeping enough, having toileting needs taken care of, there
is also the need to be stimulated. Not just sounds and colours, but the
social growth of a child (I'm sure you have tonnes of books). So things
like snuggling up to a person, building confidence because he knows that
every time he turns away, when he turns back, his carer is still there,
knowing when to ask for something and when to chill out etc. What meets
his needs best without sacrificing too much yourself?
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